Read Time: 4 minutes

by AJ Canterbury

Last month, I celebrated my mom’s birthday, and because she left this world on the same day she entered it, the day also marked 22 years without her voice. Although I’m now in my 40s, the need for my mother’s guidance never goes away. The passing of that day always finds me introspective, and I recalled some lessons my mom taught me then that speak into my life today.

I lost my Mom just two years after my diagnosis. She was already gone before the progressive nature of the Friedreich’s Ataxia unveiled its constant barriers to overcome. Every time one of these new obstacles surfaces, I long to seek her advice, confident that her gentleness and, her often , fierce determination would aid in navigating them.

For years after her death, the most prominent memories belonged to the months of her illness. When I thought of her, my mental image was of the frail body bent from her battle with cancer or her swollen face from the chemotherapy. Her mind remained scrambled after the surgery so her words at the end were few.

I feared I would never remember who my mother was before her illness, that her past words would remain lost to me. The fear increased the loneliness and grief.

Thankfully that fear was unfounded. Overtime, earlier memories of happier times returned. As they did, I remembered how she modeled lessons that were vitally applicable to the trials I now faced through disability.

I thought her death meant her voice would be silenced from my future, but she had trained me for what she never knew I’d have to face.

It was like my mother dug a well within me, one which guarded waters of wisdom. She dug the well through teaching, building my character, and modeling how to handle situations. I can draw from this well whenever I have need.

Mom poured all she had into us boys. By the time my father had left, I was old enough to realize how selflessly she overcame the adversity that threatened our family. It amazed me, calmed me, and gave me a sense of security.

However, as a teenager I was entirely too self-involved to comprehend how you could act so completely in another’s best interest.

But in her humble and selfless attitude lies an answer to facing adversity. I’ve drawn from those lessons often and let them speak into my present circumstances. There are 2 prominent lessons my mother modeled on overcoming adversity:

1. Recognize the Value of Community

People seemed to be magnetically pulled to our home growing up. I stopped being surprised by coming into the kitchen to find a neighbor had dropped in or a friend had stopped in as they were driving by. They found a spot at our table with a cup of coffee and brownie waiting for them.

In truth, it wasn’t the home that held them. It was my mother. They came for her.

She invited people into her life with a smile she gave away so freely. Others accepted her invitation because she fostered an open environment they felt comfortable settling into. They wanted to be with her.

When she became a single parent, managing a house, a full-time job, and 4 boys challenged her resolve and her pocket book. Financially, things became difficult and appliances broke.

The people who loved her stepped-in with support that could not be repaid. I watched how this proud and independent woman responded. It was not easy for her to be on the receiving end.

My mom recognized the value of community. Community meant reciprocation, giving of yourself but being willing to receive as well. Mom sought to love others and meet their needs. When she was hurting, she learned to be wise enough to let those others minister to her.

Consistently, I seek to follow this lesson. Despite my adversity, how I relate to others matters. Without others to pour into, I would collapse into a self-focused shell who wasted away never seeing beyond his disability.

Being served by and dependent on others is a humbling experience. My natural reaction wanted to deny and refuse the help and act as if I could manage alone. Pride kept me from accepting help from others.

Mom demonstrated the benefits of allowing others to enter the hardships of life. The transparency of living openly actually fosters authentic community, and authentic community enables me power through adversity.

Just as my mother learned, loving others is only part of the key to overcoming adversity. Recognizing the value of having others serve me is also a necessary component. The fulfillment I receive from serving others, is the same benefit others get by meeting my needs. They have the opportunity to share my burdens, a chance they welcome.

2. Don’t Let the ‘Bad’ Rob of Your Goal

The situation became rough as our family struggled. The single income only stretched so far, and there were times it seemed at its breaking point.

My mom juggled managing the house while car problems arose, water pipes busted, and our school extracurriculars called for additional funds. I remained ignorant to the hardships, by her design. I knew we were poor, but I had no idea the extent.

She knew.

Mom was fully aware. Every new emergency threatened to crush this family of 5, but she never let the bad detract her from her goal. She had her moments of breakdowns in the solace of the community she had built, but her kids never saw it.

The goal set before us was to remain a family despite outward circumstances, to hold tight to faith, and to serve others through whatever means we had. No obstacle was going to threaten that purpose. The adversity working against us was strong, but it was not strong enough to end our moments of laughter or celebrating time together.

The barriers of my disability often grow so loud that I cannot hear anything else. My surroundings blacken and all I can focus on is the current circumstance. My temptation is to surrender to the adversity by forgetting the goal before me.

I remember what my mom modeled in refusing to allow the ‘bad’ to apprehend her goal. My goal is to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, to point others toward him, and bring more good into this world than when I arrived.

I cannot execute that goal if I am staring at adversity, paralyzed to move. Ignoring it certainly won’t help, but giving it more prominence than it deserves will counter the good I have fought for. My goal is worth more to me than accepting defeat so easily.

The Importance of Your Influence

Death has not prevented my mom from speaking to this day. What she accomplished in her abbreviated time on death was to prepare me the best she could for whatever lie ahead.

Because of this preparation, Mom whispers reminders to me still. It comforts me to hear her guidance after so long without her physical presence.

It was like my mother dug a well within me, one which guarded waters of wisdom.

Never take for granted the value of your influence on those under your care. None of us know the conditions, but we know there will be times life will get hard. By investing the time now, you ensure your words will continue to guide your loved one.

No matter where the journey takes them, and no matter where you are, your counsel will remain. So make your words count.

My mom didn’t know what obstacles darkened my future. She didn’t even set out to teach my brothers and I how to handle adversity. She modeled through the life she lived. Those make the best lessons and their influence cannot be erased.

In what ways are you modeling lessons to those around you?

What lessons taught by loved ones lost remain with you?

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