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While forgiveness presents as a tenant of Christianity, offering forgiveness to others presents a major struggle for the majority of believers I have spoken with or counseled. 

I remember a particular Sunday School class I led where the topic of forgiveness came up, and a gamut of emotions spread through the room. Anger visited some and caused them to cross stubborn arms over their chests and plant unmovable legs on the floor beneath them. Fear showed up too and caused them to avert their eyes from me and close their Bibles, nervous that God would ask them to do something they didn’t want to do.

Sorrow met with most in the room. I watched as tears slipped down my peer’s faces as they remembered unhealed hurts against them. Their pain cut so deep that they could not fathom ever getting to a place where they could forgive and move on.

Every struggle they had with forgiveness, I have also experienced: the fierce resistance, the anxious avoidance, and the blinding hurt. And my struggle with forgiveness is not limited to the big scars either. I have experienced plenty of “smaller” offenses which cause me just as much difficulty.

With my disability, I have been on the receiving end of demeaning and dismissive comments, and those quick strikes can cause deep and lingering injury. Our words reveal our hearts (Matt. 15:18) and I find it hard to extend forgiveness when someone has shown me their true colors. The struggle is exacerbated when they show no remorse/awareness or they repeat their offense.

As believers, we have been liberated from our sins through the atoning death of Christ. We know the joy of what it means to be forgiven. So why is it so difficult for us to forgive others?

Instead of fixing my eyes outward, forgiveness should begin by evaluating the climate of my own heart.

Forgiveness must first begin within your heart

When I struggle to forgive another, my focus is on that other person. I consider how great the offense was. I also wonder what steps they have taken to right the wrong? Have they acknowledged their offense against me, and have they repented to God for it. 

Forgiveness seems such a rare, costly luxury that it needs to be distributed conservatively. A person must demonstrate their worthiness to receive such a precious gift. So I search for the security that my forgiveness will not be abused and they will not hurt me in the same way again.

With so much of my focus spent evaluating the heart of another, it is not surprising that I am struggling so much to forgive. I go wrong here, and I’m guessing I’m not alone. Instead of fixing my eyes outward, forgiveness should begin by evaluating the climate of my own heart.

God, like the skilled surgeon he is, uses his Bible to cut into our flesh and expose what is actually in our hearts. Chapter 18 in Matthew’s gospel exposes the heart as it relates to forgiveness. In verse 18, Peter asks Jesus, “How many times must I forgive my brother?” 

Peter’s question tries to make a legalistic checklist, wondering how long he has to extend grace. My seminary professor remarked on this passage saying, “If you have to ask that question, then you don’t understand forgiveness.” Peter didn’t get it here, and since I have asked iterations of that same question, I haven’t really gotten forgiveness either.

Jesus answers the question by saying: “an infinite amount of times” (Matt. 18:22, paraphrase) and then teaches the parable of an Unforgiving Servant. Let’s check out the parable and make some observations on what scripture teaches us about our hearts.

The parable tells of a servant begging at the feet of a king. The servant owes the king an insurmountable amount of money that he would never be able to repay. The king forgives the man his debts and brings his account to zero. He leaves the throne room with a bounce to his step, able to breathe easier. The servant runs into a man on the street who owes him a substantial amount but significantly less than what had just been forgiven him (think thousands to his millions). Although the man begged the servant for mercy, the servant refused and had the man arrested. Word got back to the king on the servant’s treatment of the man, and this time the king did not respond with mercy. Because the servant did not extend the mercy he had received, the king rescinded his previous forgiveness and threw the servant into prison. (see Matthew 18:22-34)

“If you have to ask [how many times must I forgive], then you don’t understand forgiveness.”

I draw two observations regarding the climate of my heart in forgiveness:

1. Failure to forgive ignores our debt

The servant owed a devastating debt to the king. Without the king’s interjection, he would’ve never been free of it. Yet, when he ran into the friend who owed him money, it seemed the extravagant forgiveness that had just been extended to him had been forgotten.

Even though the pleas of the man hauntingly echo the very words he used to beg the king for mercy, it did not prompt the servant “to forgive as he had been forgiven.” Reclaiming what was due him so consumed the servant that he was unable to connect the mercy he had been shown to his present circumstance. He never once looked inward at his own heart.

Humanity stands before an insurmountable impasse with God because of their sins. Like the servant, Man did not have the ability to settle the account, no amount of good could tip the scales and no personal merit could bridge the gap. Nothing could be done. 

Jesus came to die for that debt. While we were an “enemy of God” (Romans 5:10) with no desire to seek him out(Romans 3:11) he came to rescue us. And his rescue mission required no small feat. Jesus took on the punishment by dying for our sins. His forgiveness cost him his life.

And then he rose. His forgiveness makes all that repent and believe clean before God, with accounts settled and forgiveness finalized (1 Peter 1:3-5).

You have never been forgiven a greater amount, and you will never need to forgive someone else so great a debt.

That is a focus-alternating insight worth holding on to. No one’s offense to me comes close to the rebellious affront I committed to God that cost his son his life. The radicalness of this approach takes my eyes off the offense I’ve experienced and opens me up to forgive.

When I remember the forgiveness God has shown me, it changes how I view forgiveness. Instead of a burdensome duty, I feel a compulsive need to extend forgiveness to express the mercy I have received.

Had the servant remembered the great debt he had been forgiven, his response to his peer would have been quite different.

[Through Jesus] You have never been forgiven a greater amount, and you will never need to forgive someone so great a debt.

2.  Failure to forgive has no place in kingdom living

The Gospel writer, Matthew, chose to situate Jesus’ parable after his teaching the disciples on kingdom living. The parable follows Jesus’ instructions on church discipline, how sin is to be addressed among his citizens. Matthew did this on purpose; the context shows us what he aims to highlight.

Extending forgiveness is expected of those who live in the kingdom. To count yourself a child of God, is to be forgiving.

The servant shows his hand when he refuses to forgive. His battle cry for “What is due me!” drowns out the memory of the king’s edict, “Your debt is forgiven.” This reveals he does not belong to God’s kingdom.

Therein lies the danger of harboring unforgiveness in my heart. If I refuse to forgive another’s offense against me, I am living incongruously to how a citizen of the kingdom conducts themselves.

In his letter to the Colossians, Paul gives a list of the Godly wardrobe that kingdom-dwellers wear. He tells them because Jesus has invited them to enter his kingdom and they have joyfully followed, to put on these new clothes and these clothes only. The old clothes won’t work, in fact, they no longer fit.

“Put on then…compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” (Colossians 3:12-13)

Forgiveness is sewn into the very fabric of kingdom attire. Extending His forgiveness shows that you are robed in your new clothes. Refusing to forgive reveals you are not a citizen of the kingdom.                                         

 

Let your life be marked by forgiveness

I want to live in constant gratitude of the extent to which Jesus bought my forgiveness. And I want to conduct myself like I belong in God’s kingdom. Forgiveness, then, must be a constant expression of mine.                                                                      

There is nothing easy about forgiveness. It is costly. It requires dying to myself. And forgiveness starts by taking my eyes off the offending person and looking within my own heart.

Remember the exorbitant mercy Jesus has shown you and let that lead how you interact with others.

I wish I could assure you that I have mastered the art of forgiveness by doing this. The reality is that forgiving others quickly and naturally continues to be perfected in me.  The content of this blog may not be all I need to forgive with ease, but I must start by looking within if I want to forgive.

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