Photo by Mitchel Lensink on Unsplash

Read Time: 3 minutes

by AJ Canterbury

I originally wrote this article after participating in a friends’ wedding 5 years ago. After rereading the post, it struck me how recurring the battle against my own self-focused thoughts were. They seek to prevent me from embracing the life God has seen fit to give me.

The battleground always surrounds my disability and the barrier I sense it blocks me from the things I want to have. Whether the thoughts are self-criticizing, self-pitying, self-conscious, or self-incriminating, the problem is that I spend way too much time thinking about myself.

Whenever I focus thoughts on myself, I end up trapped, a prisoner in my own head. I feel defeated, which spoils my attitude, which colors my responses to those around me. What begins as a fear of being an outsider results in an attitude that ensures I remain an outsider.

The triumph of this wedding-party story is how I was successful in getting out of my head. How I wish that was always the result. I can give plenty of other examples when I fail to keep the below steps in mind.

When I put these reminders into action, they really do work.

The post served as a good reminder to battle against my own mind which desires to enslave me again to my circumstances. I dare not tire of the fight for the prize is in the victory. I need to strive for God’s purposes and glory before me, instead of wallowing in the grave I dug for myself.

Whether the thoughts are self-criticizing, self-pitying, self-conscious, or self-incriminating, the problem is that I spend way too much time thinking about myself.

The horrors of preparing for the groomsmen dance

Last month, (now 5 years ago) I served as a groomsmen in a friend’s wedding. I count it an honor to be regarded as a close enough friend to earn “groomsmen status.” At this wedding, it was decided that the groomsmen would perform one of the wildly popular, groomsmen dances.

The decision was announced nine months before the wedding and I immediately felt the growing dread in my stomach.

It had nothing to do with the fact that I was too old to engage in millennial crazes. I live in denial I am no longer young.

I have nothing against being posh. I, admittedly, relish the opportunities. However, I envisioned the awkwardness of dancing from a wheelchair, and I feared that.

We practiced the choreographed mash-up, intent on being both entertaining and pulling the audience to the dance floor. It was meant to be silly and point back to reflect the joy the couple had for what God would accomplish through their marriage.

The rehearsal took place in a dance studio with a wall of mirrors so I could critically observe every uncoordinated move. Two things became clear: the dance, itself, was going to be hilarious; I was going to ruin it by being involved. My attempts to find the rhythm and follow the choreography of the songs resulted in failure that only an awkward gait could accomplish.

The morning of the wedding, we practiced for the final time.  I sensed the approaching humiliation, not the humiliation of exposing my own gracelessness. That fact was well-known. The approaching humiliation centered on the destruction of the couples’ dream by my hand.

Unable to conquer my loud, deprecating thoughts, I slipped into the bathroom to avoid everyone. I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, allowing despair to wash over me.

I imagined how different things would be if I could walk. If I was free of the wheelchair, I   wouldn’t be consumed by these dark thoughts. I could just celebrate with my friends and dance with absolute freedom.

At the core, my despair conjured from my continual feelings of uselessness. No matter how desperately I fought against it, the feeling insidiously remained. I could not convincingly hide it with a joke or smile.

I concluded it would be best if I sat the dance out. Surely, it was what the other groomsmen wished I would do anyway. It would save the day, if I quit. Could I invent an excuse to get out of this?

My dark attitude was deepening. I had seen it play out before and knew that if left unchecked, my thoughts would turn consumingly inward. A day intended to focus on the bride and groom, would turn into a day all about me.

To win, requires getting the focus of yourself

I took a deep breath and tapped into the strategies that had proven effective in pulling myself out of my own head:

1. Fix my eyes on things above

Colossians 3: 1-2 reminds me to set my eyes, not on earthly things, but on the things above where Christ is seated. The building of His kingdom is what I was after. I recognized that as my thoughts turned inward, I focused only on my comfort.

His kingdom could not be achieved in my life, if I kept my eyes fixed on my present circumstances. Somehow I needed to see things from His perspective if I was going to get out of my funk.

There was nothing eternal about a groomsmen dance. The fate of the world did not rest in my ability to execute choreographed poises. But the bride and groom were encouraging their guests to fix their eyes above through their example. My attitude could either help or detract from that. 

I chose to stop looking within and start looking at Him, and what He was doing.

2.  Trust what my friends see in me

As I began to calm down, I considered why I had been asked to be in this wedding. The groom desired I be among those beside him on his day. The bride recognized me as a support and encouragement in their lives. In addition, my fellow groomsmen viewed me as an essential part of their group.

The fact that I was in a wheelchair did not come as a surprise to anyone. I had been using a wheelchair when they entered a friendship with me, and long before I was asked me to be in the wedding. They knew the wheelchair came along with me, and they called me anyway.

Maybe it was time I spent less time listening to the degrading voice in my head, and more time listening to the people in my circle who desire to build me up.

3. Think about what is true

I convinced myself to go back out there and support my friends to my fullest ability. But I was still afraid. What if I wasn’t able to control my attitude? What if my negative thoughts returned?

Philippians 4:8 says “…Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.”

There were plenty of excellent, pure, lovely, and true things to keep my mind busy that beautiful Saturday. I didn’t have time to consider anything else.

I needed to battle against my own mind which desires to enslave me again to my circumstances. I dare not tire of the fight for the prize is in the victory.

I participated in that wedding, celebrated with the couple, and performed the groomsmen dance…

…And I was awful.

But it was an absolute blast. It achieved the entertainment goal that it aimed for. I got to spin around, wearing a sultry, Britney Spears wig. Because if you can’t be a good dancer, you might as well be funny.

Better than that, I got out of my own head long enough to witness what God was accomplishing in the wedding of my friends.

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